How To Kill An Iceland Sausage #7 - Call In The Royal Air Force

It's the final day of Rate My Sausage's attempt to win the Nobel Prize for Services To Ridding The World Of Crap Sausages.  We've whacked them, chucked them, dragged them, you name it, but the bloody things have proved extremely difficult to kill.

For our final attempt we call in the world's finest military operation, the Royal Air Force....we hope you have enjoyed our sausage-smashing antics over the last week....

We spied a bunker in the distance.  A bunker made of mashed potato?  And they're flying a German flag!

Closer surveillance revealed some of the inhabitants.  That looks very much like Adolf Shitler to me.  And what an appropriate name for an Iceland sausage.

Let's get him!  We need a sniper and Junior Sidekick boldly stepped up to the mark.

A full magazine of rounds were expended and did some damage.  One of Shitler's henchmen was laid low.  And the bunker didn't like it either.

But that wasn't the outcome we wanted.  Call in the RAF!  Junior Sidekick's boots were given insignia and we were good to go.  Time on target?  About six seconds....

SPLAT!  The airstrike hits the target with deadly accuracy. Mash and Iceland sausages scatter every which way.  Surely this time we have MULLERED the bloody awful Iceland bangers?


The thing to remember is....if there are no Lancasters available, a Wellington or two will do the job just as well.

Oooooh, nasty. There won't be any survivors out of THAT little killing zone.....

DAMMIT!  We were wrong again, and Adolf Shitler survived intact.

The final score is Rate My Sausage 2 Iceland Sausages 5

The conclusion we draw is that you must NEVER buy these foul tubes of mushy crap.  Because if you do, they are almost impossible to dispose of.  Thank you for reading our light-hearted series of banger-busting efforts.  And.....don't have nightmares.

How To Kill An Iceland Sausage #6 - Game, Set & Despatch!

Day six.  Can we eliminate Iceland sausages from the landscape?  It appears not. We're 4-1 down and staring down the barrel of the sausage machine....

This time we're trying sport again, and is it possible to thrash an Iceland sausage to smithereens with a tennis racquet? Let play commence....

A forehand thrash from Junior Sidekick.

An unorthodox overhead swipe.

YEEEESSSSSS!  We've damaged the seemingly indestructible Iceland sausage!  OK, it's not a fatal blow, but it's progress nonetheless.

And again, YEEESSSS! We've sliced the end off of one of the disgusting crap-tubes!

But! We found a better way to reduce crap Iceland sausages to nothingness....use the tennis bat as a grater.  OK, it makers a bit of a mess on the strings but the sausage is obliterated!

Grate, grate, grate.  Doing the world a favour JS!

Eventually we got fed up of grating and simply stamped on the bloody things.  Ye gods, look at that artificial skin!  Hideous.  We claim this as a win.

Rate My Sausage 2 Iceland Sausages 4

How To Kill An Iceland Sausage #5 - Throw Them Off The Top Of A Multi-Storey Car Park

Day Five.  Rate My Sausage is still trying to kill the bloody awful sausages from frozen food giant Iceland.  Bloody awful is not a negative slant, they really are minging.  This time we're embracing gravity, and height, to our advantage.

Here we are on the top deck of St James multi-storey car park in beautiful downtown King's Lynn.  Nice day for some sight-seeing.  In the distance you can see our flats.  Click on the pic to enlarge the image. Etc.

We're on the open, top level of the award-winning (yes, really) St James car park in Lynn and determined to muller some shite Iceland sausages. And trying to keep a low profile, hence Junior Sidekick covering his face.

It's NOT Junior Sidekick in this picture, OK?  Ahem.

This is my view from the bottom.....looks a bit scary.

Now, of course, you can't randomly throw stuff off the top of a council car park.  The council, and the rozzers, might not like it.  So we came up with the "sight-seeing" plan, involving us supposedly pointing at distant landmarks and simultaneously lobbing shit bangers into the abyss.  Here is the sausage held in a pointing finger Cloak Of Absolute Disguise hold.

There was a brief conversation about trying to bop people with the sausages.  Cycling paramedic would have scored 25....we decided against.

The first banger flies over the parapet.  See it arc gently earthward!

Sadly the plummet didn't seem to have any effect on the crap-sticks whatsoever.  They landed intact.

Every single Iceland sausage emerged completely unscathed. Are they invincible?



This made the score:

Rate My Sausage 1 Iceland Sausages 4



A serious setback.  We thought this would be a winner.  Join us again tomorrow for the next instalment.






With a heavy heart, signing out....

How To Kill An Iceland Sausage #4 - Drag And Drop

The struggle to destroy Iceland sausages has so far proved unsuccessful....can we finally put a score in the "Rate My Sausage" column?

The next attempt was simple - we would drag the tubes of cack behind the car and hope that they eroded down to nothingness!

Here we see the three evil bastards tied to the underside of their instrument of torture....a powerful 1.2l Ford Fiesta.  In red.  Take THAT, Iceland!

We enlisted a highly rated local mechanic to carry out the attachment procedure in line with national health & safety law, local government care in the workplace guidelines, and Stan's Garage's "get the bugger done quick, and cheap" ad-line.

OK, it was me....

So what happened?  I think this picture tells the story....we got rid of the vile lumps of ordure!  Last we saw of them was them bouncing around excitedly as we trundled along Tennyson Avenue, and then.....nothing.  We patrolled back up and down twice but could find no evidence of the battered bangers' bodies.  But they were gone, and we are HAVING that one!

Iceland Sausages 3 Rate My Sausage 1

Part Five tomorrow, don't miss it....

How To Kill An Iceland Sausage #3 - Crucifixion

Day three of Man Versus Pap, and the pap is 2-0 ahead....

We've resorted to ancient tactics this time, and decided to copy the Romans and their method of getting rid of detritus....nail 'em high and let 'em die!  Crucifixion it is then. 

Surely this method will score a point for the Rate My Sausage team?  Leave meat products outdoors overnight and some foul creature of the night will surely eat the damned things?

First step was to construct several rustic crosses, using twigs found outside and string that had been left outside for two days to hopefully lose its "human habitat" aroma....

The sausages were strung up and planted out at dusk, which attracted rather bemused looks from some onlooking eastern Europeans ("these English, they really crazy are, like they told us before we left Riga!").  Then we retreated indoors to let the night, and its inhabitants, do their job....

And here's what we found the next morning....every "sausage" untouched.  Completely intact.  Not even slightly nibbled.  Bugger it!  Even foxes, hedgehogs, badgers, cats and pigeons For Gods Sake, refused to touch the Iceland sausages.  At least it shows how artificial they must be.

Another defeat for RMS makes the score after three rounds :

Iceland Sausages 3 Rate My Sausage 0

Join us again tomorrow, sports fans!